49. Blog Update

Ok, I have been really busy with work and school. But I promise to do a blog or two this month. The first will be a follow up of last years Top 10 Albums I Bought in 2008, but with the 2009 tag instead.

In the mean time...

Peace!

48. Hoity Toity Rants and Self Selfishness

When it comes to emotions, how many of us put how we feel in front of others? To tell others how we feel but to think what others feel, even if its the same, is complete pish-posh and that they need to get over it. Maybe it's just the mood i'm in or that I read someone else's blog about being alone and all I could think of is the phrase "I have no sympathy."

I know I have said on here about feeling alone and what not, which is why I am talking about being selfish. But at the same time you start to draw comparisons. I know the person I am talking about and I know their pretty extroverted and they have plenty of people to hang out with and even claims they always have someone interested in them. I on the other hand have been without someone for the past 2 years, about as introverted as they come, and have had about three or four people like me during this time. So the selfish part of me thinks "you have no idea what it's like to be me..."

But in reality, as the character Atticus Finch said: "You can not judge a person until you see things from his (or her to be correct) point of view"

Which is completely true, yeah we know each other, but are we really friends? No, just mere acquaintances. I don't hang out with her at all and I only seldom talk to her on the internet. But when it seems like they are always having a good time partying and living "the college life" sure being alone will affect that person, but on my side, being alone has affected me too, but when you haven't really done anything in about two years despite trying to (and failing, even when coming close) you tend to feel less and less for someone claiming to have no one.

In a resilient conclusion, on my end, I need better myself when it comes to compassion, but it's sometimes hard to do so in these shoes...if you know what I mean.

47. Four Hour Breaks

Just another one of those days where I need to kill time at college because I decided to give my self way too much time in between classes; three hours between class on Mondays and Wednesdays and four hours on Fridays. In a sense it can be agood thing because then I can work on homework and whatnot during that time, plus study my ass off before psychology...

Have I been doing that? only slightly...

The problem is, most of my classes so far haven't really offered any homework and if they do it's incredibly easy. I just usually sit in the student lounge with my laptop listening to music and checking the internet out. This time i'm actually deciding to write a blog since I haven't done so in awhile.

I do utilize my time to study though. I will take myself to the library and stick myself in the back quiet study areas to do my last minute cramming which has so far worked. This week so far has been really stressful and tough only because I had two tests and a project all due on two straight days. Plus there was other stuff in the class I project due in that went on that I don't want to delve into...
But now the school week is coming to a close and I can just sit back and feel relaxed knowing that I don't need to do anything but breathe easily and enjoy my music for the next 3 hours.

I think it's time to get back to reading my book when I get home today... might be therapeutic.

46. The Journeyman Chronicles, Part II- Hypercritical

Some of you know me with two sides (or three depending on how well you know me), which is while being a sensitive and caring person, I can be outright critical on just about every subject... mainly pop culture.

With that said, I went with some friends to the mall because they needed some stuff and we walked into this one corner store (I think it's called Journeys) and I felt so out of place. Not that I feel really awkward and uncomfortable and need to get the hell out of here out of place, but the "this stuff is so lame and the only people that wear this stuff listen to lame music, try to act not true to themselves, and overall will regret many things in their life" type of response. It's the fact that I detest current trends so much, no matter what it is.

Let's put it this way, unless I heard it first, you'll never hear me saying "I like this song" while listening to G105 or have my hat on my head in any other position than forwards. You can cut the pretentiousness with a knife nowadays...

I'm critical about everything... music, movies, culture, religion, TV, etc.

Now is it bad that I have such ill will towards certain things? I can understand having some gripes with stuff, but always having some negative feelings towards a lot of stuff? Sure I'm generally happy, but I do think a lot things that people listen to or wear look like ass! And I thought the preppy look was stupid!

Can you see yourself as hypercritical?

45. Not Sure...

I'll be honest, I haven't been exactly happy for a long time. I'm not talking about the fact that we all have peaks and valleys in life, it's as if I have a hill, then valley, then another hill followed by another valley so it keeps going deeper. I'm not sure if i'm depressed or anything, it's probably the constant alone factor I keep facing. It's getting near the end of the summer and I keep thinking that I should have went out with that girl the previous summer because I haven't felt wanted since then.

Don't tell me the thing about not needing someone in order to be happy... I know, i've been without someone for two years... and i've come to the conclusion that it would be a real good thing for my psyche to have someone to have in my arms and be all cute and what not with. I'm not saying i'm desperate and will take anyone, but to have someone would really boost my morale...seriously.

I guess only time will tell. You guys have read it before anyways...

44. The Journeyman Chronicles, Part I- Enlightenment

I'm not using the exact term for enlightenment, but it's the only word I could think of after my discussion with my ex, Heather, and I in my car driving back to my house.

While we were driving back we were having this conversation about how cool it would be to go to Niagara Falls to visit my relatives and I brought up this thought I have been thinking about recently: Maybe there are people looking out for you! Now don't get me wrong, i'm still agnostic until an act of God physically happens in front of my very own eyes, but think about the stuff that has happened since my grandfather passed away. My mother went out the morning of us leaving to come back to North Carolina to look for her sign that my grandfather was safe in the afterlife which was to be a deer. Well, she did in fact see a deer according to my dad. A month or so later my mom goes down to Charlotte for this sweepstakes thing in which the grand prize is 2009 Ford Mustang GT Coupe. She won the card and had a picture of him with her the while she was there.

Here's another instance but it involves my uncle and aunt (my uncle being his son). While he was alive they tried to have a child but for years they were unsuccessful so they decided they wanted to adopt a child. Well a couple months ago, we got news that my aunt is now in fact pregnant and is suppose to give birth in November! They still want to adopt a child as well! My mom said she should have guessed when dad and her went up to Canada to celebrate theirs and my grandparents (if my grandfather was still alive, it would have been their 50th) anniversaries and my aunt was drinking alcohol.

So after I made those points, I said that while I believe that there possibly isn't a God, I do think that people do look over and after you when they pass to which Heather agreed with me.

But here's the paradox: Am I being looked after at all? I mean just look what happened the first day I got back to work from being in Canada for the funeral! Within a week of my grandfather dying, I was told that I would be let go from my job! That's not exactly looking after me but maybe it's some sort of trickle down effect. First his immediate family then his grandchildren and so on. So maybe my time of being look after by him hasn't come yet, but it will.

Maybe this is a turning of the leaf? Maybe, maybe not, but it's not up to me to decide that.

43. A Few Things...

I have been not really busy until a couple days ago, mainly hanging out with friends until this morning, but here is basically two stories that I will talk about:

Starting with the most recent...

Well this morning I had all four of my wisdom teeth removed. I wish I could say how much it hurt, but they used a general anesthetic in my IV that knocked me out within a minute so I was out for the whole extraction thankfully. My face was really numb and for about 3 hours after the operation I had gauze on both sides of my mouth. About twice my one side started to bleed again and I had to put more gauze in my mouth for that side. When the numbness went away, that same side started to hurt, so I got two pills of Ibuprofen (which is recommended) and haven't been in pain for the rest of the night.

The main reason I needed my wisdom teeth removed was because my tooth on the lower right was pointed towards my cheek and would hurt for a week at a time about four times a year, plus the tooth on the opposite side of it hadn't fully broken through. They decided to take all four out in order to prevent the other two "healthy" teeth in order to prevent bacteria growth and what not because of where they are in relation to brush one's teeth.

But anyways, so far so good, tomorrow will probably hurt real bad and I might have to take that hydrocodon stuff. I know I have to have that bacterial rinse stuff or whatever it is and that won't taste good at all...

Now for part two...

Okay, why is it that some women think that when you ask them to go to dinner they think you're asking them out?

This happened two days ago between a friend and I who I haven't seen in about nine years. That right there shows that I just want to hang out and reminisce about stuff, that's it. I have no notions nor feelings towards her in that way at all! I don't get why people in general automatically assume stuff like that. Sorry if I don't find it weird that hanging out with the other sex can happen without a date being a possibility. Who knows the next time I will talk to her again because it's a little embarrassing for someone to automatically assume I want to go out with them when I haven't even hung out with them in almost ten years! I'm not going to ask you out based on Facebook conversations because you can't hear the person and you aren't right near them in order to develop and feelings like that. Oh well, when I can eat more than just soft food, I just go get dinner with friends of the same sex and those of the opposite sex who know I'm not trying to date them and take girls I want to go out with to midnight bowling.