41. I'm 21 Years Old? Really?

I was texting Andrew today after I found out another person whom I have known for a couple years has a child now. I told him that every time one of our friends or acquaintences has a child or gets engaged and.or married, I feel older everytime. He says he feels smarter which is true, but it also made me think about how the older we get, the wiser we get...supposedly. I know we are in the Erik Erikson stage of our life where we deal with the problem of intimacy v isolation and that thought of how the rest of my life will be sometimes becomes a constant thought. Sure I had one girlfriend, but will I have another soon? Will I get married? If I am married, will we divorce? and ultimately, will I be alone in a house having a dog as my only friend? I know I am only at the very beginning of this 20-year stage and by the time I am forty I will have any of this questions answered by then.

People seem to have a Calvinistic view of thier lives, believing that everything is already planned out for us; the loss of lives, the romance, the jobs, and the end of our life, but I don't want to sit back thinking it's out of my hands because it isn't. I'm the captain of my own ship and I will steer it in what ever direction I want. I think about how my life would have been if I stayed in Arizona as I probably would have taken some honors courses and gone to a proper university instead of Wake Tech Community College. I mean I have been back in North Carolina for four years and I STILL haven't really thought of what's it's like being back here. Of course I love being in North Carolina because this is where I was raised, but I was just starting to accept living in Arizona, so I still feel that I am in some sort of crossroads on many points including identification. Only time will tell as they say, or as Elektra King said in Goldeneye, "What's the point in living when you can't feel alive?"